Monday, 10 November 2008

• Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater?

  
  (Note: I am needing your thoughts on this. Please read through and post. It's important to me. Thanks)

  We have all, more than likely, heard the above phrase at least once in our lives. I know I have at least a dozen times. The concept is simple: if someone has cheated on one partner, they are more than likely to do it again and again. Change is hard. Sure, the reasoning might be different for each cheater, but the core principal is the same. Some may cheat because they think it's fun, they don't take their relationship and/or their partner seriously. Some may do it because they are unhappy in their current relationship, and desire more. Some do it because they find someone else that they fall for, and in that case the cheating becomes more than just sex. Some do it because they are feeling troubled in their lives, and it sort of just falls in place as a vice to help with it. Those are just a few of the reasons, as it is often very unique to each specific individual.

  Are any of those reasons justified? Are any worse than others? That probably depends on who you ask, and where they are in their life and relationship at the moment they answer. Obviously people tend to have a lot less of a positive opinion of the person who blatantly cheats for the heck of it, completely unaware (or unconcerned) that they are hurting someone. Still, it all is the same thing, isn't it? It's all cheating.

  Then comes the position that the partner is put in regarding forgiveness, and maybe a second (or third, forth, etc.) chance. Again, the advice and opinion of this side will vary widely depending on it's source. Most, however, tend to lean into the camp of the title of this post, that "once a cheater, always a cheater". If someone has cheated on you once, they'll just do it again, so might as well walk away right now and save yourself the pain. To be fair, in the rare occasion, and strictly depending on the circumstances of the cheating, you will find the advice the exact opposite.

  Now, to be clear, I am not here to try and push the Christian act of forgiveness in this post. As much as I fully support the fact that we are told to forgive, that is not my point here. I'm also not trying to defend the side of a cheater, or the side of the person who was cheated on. I'm more questioning the theory that the title states. Is it true? What causes it, if it is?

  For the sake of this train of thought, lets toss aside the situations involving a single incident of cheating. Those are on a different plane, because there are cases where people make mistakes and learn quite quickly from them. I'm talking about those who cheat as a habit, possibly on more than one partner, and possibly more than one time on each one. Someone who obviously has passed by the simple "whoops, stupid me. I won't do that again".

  Do you believe that these people can change, if they want to? If not, why? Is it possible that it is almost a sort of defect, something that isn't full in the brain? Could it be a commitment issue, possibly subconscious?

  My belief is that anyone can change anything about themselves, if they want it enough. The difference is that some people's problems seem to be a bit deeper set, a bit more programmed into the mind. These take a lot more effort and time to fix. Take, for example, a smoker. They may eventually quit, but in the process they probably stumbled many times and gave into another cigarette. Yes, this is not a good thing, but it is taken a lot lighter than the cheater who fails and falls back into their habit of cheating. Granted, it's on a different scale, but it works as a good example.

  So, if it is a process, how can one beat it more successfully? It'd be rare to find a partner willing to put up with all of the little stumbles along the way, and the mere fact of causing a breakup could very much hinder any progress. Or, am I down the wrong track with this thought?

  Is it more a conscious decision? One just says to oneself "I will not cheat anymore. Never.", and bravo, it's done? I used to think it was that easy, but from my observation I doubt it. Still..maybe it is for some people. Maybe it is with God's help and our focussing on Him.

  It certainly doesn't help with that dang saying haunting us all, though. That a cheater will always be a cheater. It's hard for one to overcome this concept, to ever fully trust a cheater, because it's always in the back of our minds. Maybe it's in the back of the cheater's mind, too. That certainly wouldn't help one quit, would it? The subconscious (or conscious) idea that you never can change.

  So, what are your thoughts? Your experiences? What side have you been on? Please share. This is actually very important in my life at the moment, as I'm facing a situation involving it.

  Blessings and Love,
  Sarah

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